[2010] Connected

Two arrows thrummed against the cylinder that contained them as she sprinted across the forest. Ducking under branches and sweeping past tree trunks, her senses absorbed the area for telltale markers: the crooked tree, the vines that turned crimson in the afternoon, the call of ghost-birds near the bushes…and the particular scent of demons in the heavy air. She felt it, the nearness, felt the arrows’ bouncing match the pace of the undergrowth, match the pulsing in her souls.

She stepped onto a fallen tree and pushed deep into it; she leaped into the air and pulled out an arrow from her back. The woman touched the ground with a bending in her knees, immediately in an offensive stance as she strung her bow. She snapped her brown eyes open, dark as the ebony of her skin, and met the gaze of countless men and women. Their eyes, pure white irises with a rim of black, all blinked in unison. The one in front, no more than sixteen winters, crossed his arms. He wore two new necklaces, beads of white and black that rested on his collarbone and clattered noisily together, scraping past each other to escape him.

“Are you trying again?” he sneered. Three warriors moved in front of the boy, bows and arrows at the ready.

She knit her eyebrows together, just slightly, and set her mouth in a grim line. “I see the elders do not trust the prophecies.”

“It is not that we do not trust them. We do not trust that they must come to light. Something foreseen to overtake and end this world can only be made of evil.”

She laughed, scorn seeping into every sound. “You all are so arrogant. This world is made of nothing but evil. What ends it can only be good.”

Her souls stirred and stretched towards them, crying for starvation, temptation. The warriors took a step back, surprised at her power, at their power. They dropped their weapons. There was no way to match this, whatever this was– What exactly was this power? What was its name?

Then they heard the sharp gasp of the young boy. They looked over to him, saw an arrow lodged just under his collarbone, white blood seeping out. It had cut the string of the necklaces and the beads began to hover rather than drop to the ground. Some tried to look back at her, but she was already running towards the cliff side. They ran, but none could catch her before she jumped into the canyon.

The sky sucked away her breath as she fell and she watched the beads, one by one, take their place in the heavens and dissolve into the blue. She closed her eyes, a gentle smile on her face as blood followed her down into the river.

A newborn just arriving from the womb opened its mouth and cried. The workers on that floor of the hospital all stopped for a moment, as if hearing a song they once loved. The child, covered in blood and so much liquid, reached its hands outwards, its fist clenching tightly, as if grasping for the sky outside. The night sky revealed the multitude of stars in the sky, shining and tiny like small white beads.

The mother, her eyes soft and dark, smiled at her baby. Although the hospital smelled sharp and cold, the distinct lack of heaviness in the air and the fact that she could only hear the pulsing of two heartbeats responding to one another reassured her tired soul. “There is so much love here,” she said quietly, and the baby continued its crying, so sorrowful and yet so jubilant.

We’re connected at each and every place so
when I think this word, you’ll already know.

“Connected” by Ayumi Hamasaki

 

 

[2010] How to Bake a Sunset

Stretched into a vast shimmering, night covered most of the sky, save for a boutonniere of rose and amber light to the west. I thought of a child lifting a cookie jar to get a peek at the contents. Did that make this desert a granola cookie? Certainly not chocolate chip. I settled on a snickerdoodle and relayed this to Nikki.

Aren’t we more of a bizcochito? she pointed out.

I shrugged. She was right though. I was just too lazy to change my mind.

We turned the corner, parallel to the trains that had stopped for the day. Three crimson and yellow roadrunners spied on us as we walked. I stuck my tongue out at them, the monsters.

Nikki dragged her hand on the fence to her right, the metal diamonds shuddering at her touch. A screeching guitar rift began to invade our silence. I giggled. Gross.

We’re getting closer, she commented.

You’re making them cold, you know. I pointed to the fence, to her hand. The tips of her longest fingers had adopted a weak grey. They look like comet glitter, I said.

Thanks.

She yanked me down by the arm so I bowed to her from the waist, and swiped her middle finger on my forehead. Either a fuck you or our personal Ash Wednesday. I thought of him then. Who he was screwing on his altar now. Not me. Not Nikki. I wondered about when they would find us. Oh well.

Warehouse five-oh-eight smelled of hormones, Costco cake, and misplaced shoes. I liked it. It was…not him, that’s why. The doorman stared us down. Want change? he asked me.

Everything, I responded. He kept the money.

[2010] Good Luck

They handed out neon green sheets of construction paper. I stared at mine quietly, listening to the words of the conference coordinators. The time was 9:30, perhaps earlier, perhaps later. It didn’t matter to me. Time didn’t matter, not with these people. Nothing mattered in this massive hotel ballroom but the people inside it.

Everyone has a story to tell, they told us. It’s time to share yours. Get a pen, and write. Something along those lines, although it was much more eloquent, much more beautiful. At least, that’s how I remember it.

So I did. I wrote. In my misshapen scrawl, I wrote.

Before SDLC, I wasn’t a very happy person. I didn’t think I deserved much. What right did I have to breathe the same air as everyone else? What right did I have to walk on the same ground? It hurt to live, it hurt to smile. But I’ve realized that you guys are the most beautiful people in the world. Everyone lives through difficulty and adversity. I never realized how strong people can be, how they can love and be loved all at the same time. So…thank you for reading this. I know I can say everyone has changed me for the better, and I can walk on.

Now, they said, stand up and trade your story with someone else. Read their story, then pass it on to someone else. Keep reading, keep trading.

I passed my story on to a girl with big brown eyes and mussed blonde hair. She smiled softly on getting my story and whispered, “Thank you.”

I read the one she gave me. It wasn’t hers, as it told the story of a boy. A boy who didn’t understand how trusting people were before this conference.

I read the story of a girl who loved the people at SDLC, who didn’t want to go home. But she was happier having learned so many things with us, and couldn’t wait to share them with people at home.

I read the story of someone who lived in a dysfunctional house, who felt like a perpetual outcast. They hated everything about their home. But they realized that they could find love if they opened their heart.

So I read story after story, traded neon green for another neon green. Each one made me smile a little more, made me want to cry a little more. I blinked fervently, holding my heart in place as best I could.

Finally, we were asked to stop and find a place along the wall to sit down. I moved myself between two girls, who grinned at me when I asked if it was okay.

They put microphones out in the center, one for each wall. In the middle of these microphones, a tiny candle was placed. It flickered in the dimness of the ballroom. I smiled. A little cheesy, but the sentiment was appreciated.

They called it a Quaker-styled meeting. Everyone who had something to share stood at the microphone and spoke to all of us.

“I just learned fifteen minutes ago…that my uncle was shot in the face. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m ready to go home. But I’m glad I’m here with you guys. You guys make me feel like everything’s going to be okay.”

“I wish I had hundreds of arms so I could hug each and every one of you.”

“I call myself a writer. I always like to look for words. But I can’t even find the words to describe how I feel, right now, with you guys.”

“Everyone thinks I’m the funny and wacky one, always smiling. I don’t know who I’m fooling.”

So these comments went, crawling their way into my heart and nestling in a quiet nook. One boy took to a mic. He was so far away I could barely make out his distinguishing characteristics. A mop of curly brown hair? Bright peach skin? A dark shirt? Or were they dark pants?

“I was reading the story I got, and…and, I just wanted to say. You are alive. It’s not some sort of privilege to breathe the air I breathe or walk on this ground. I don’t know who you are, but I love you. I love everyone here. I think you all are the most amazing people I’ve ever met.”

The flood of tears surged down my face.

I love you too, whoever you are. Thank you for your endless kindness. Thank you for your personal response to my story. We will probably never meet, but I hold you dearly in my heart. Whoever you are, where ever you may be…this is my promise to you–

I will walk forward with a smile. The gift you and those 1100 other young people gave me, I will pass it on to others. I will help better this world. If I can make person upon person smile sincerely…perhaps it will return to you someday.

Good luck, to all of us.

[2007] Clique Five

I bit on my left pinky nail with zeal. I always do that when I’m nervous. Not that I was nervous at that particular time or anything. Realizing that it would soon be reduced to a stub if I didn’t stop, I yanked my hand away from my mouth. Even though I never bit on any of my other nails (I’m cool like that), I really didn’t want to ruin my perfect look. I brushed pieces of microscopic dust away to keep myself preoccupied. Who knew that keeping clean was so hard? I pulled down on my shirt that I had just gotten the day before and crossed my arms. My legs itched painfully, and it wasn’t just because of the lacy skirt I was wearing. My friends were playing a game of Ultimate Frisbee—without me.

I wanted to scream at Fabio for his clumsy toss to Orv, but a proper lady didn’t scream. The guys were being show-offs for the trillionth time and I wasn’t there to put them back in their place. I ran a hand through my wavy black hair and closed my eyes. Always have good posture, say please and thank you, and remember to keep a subtle smile, I told myself. I needed to think and act likes a proper lady if I was ever going to be with Alice again.

I smiled (like a proper lady, mind you). Alice and I had been best friends since preschool when I intentionally tripped her with my new black sneakers. She had laughed it away and we hit it off immediately. But then we entered sixth grade. That’s when I met Fabio, Orv, and Leo. Alice had been accepted into the Clique Five, the local snobs with impeccable taste. We fell apart, but in the summer before seventh grade, she pleaded for me to join them. How could I resist the offer? I missed her witty sarcasm and infectious laugh.

So there I was on the first day of school in a cutesy pale orange top and white miniskirt. I had almost gagged when I looked in the mirror that morning. My friends were playing my favorite sport and I was stuck in a little piece of fabric that fashion designers called skirts. I slumped over on the bench and tried to be a tad optimistic for once. Just a little longer and I would be with Alice, everything would be right again. I would be happy. It had to be.

The bell rang and we all trudged off to our first period class. Well, I limped to my class; my heels had severely mutated my feet, which were more used to a comfortable pair of running shoes, preferably my black and silver trainers. But like my softball coach always says, “No pain, no gain.” As I stood in the doorway to my math class, I breathed in and out, in and out, using the technique my track and field coach taught me. Sighing in relief, I took out my notebook and looked at the board expectantly, waiting for class to begin.

Later that day, at lunch, I bit my lip as I scanned the bustling cafeteria for the Clique Five. My tray of dry chicken salad sandwich, mushy apples, and vending machine soda quivered between my hands. Fabio spotted me and waved, but I (sort of) brushed him off. When he realized I wasn’t going to join them for lunch today, his face fell and was hidden by his dark red locks. I thought I could see him mouth, “This isn’t going to end well.” Orv and Leo were too busy stuffy apple slices up their nose to notice anything. My throat choked up and I felt an unsettling twisting in my stomach. I did my breathing skills again for the eighth time that day.

“Adele! Adele!” I started when I realized that the voice was calling for me. No one at school ever called me Adele. I was Addie, and nothing else. A skipping Alice had made her way into my view. She smiled cheerily, but it seemed odd. She had never smiled like that before…

“So this is the girl you were talking about, Alice?” A girl with thin lips and high cheekbones whispered. I guess it hurt her cheeks or something to talk at a normal volume. I then noticed that there were only three other girls besides Alice. It seemed like the Clique Five had lost a member. Thin Lips looked me over like a vulture looking at its next meal. I brought my pinky up to my mouth and just as quickly put it back down.

Another girl with beautiful blond hair and large blue eyes spoke. “Well, Adele, come join us for lunch.” She kind of looked like a living Barbie, I noted.  I followed them to “the table”, where the Clique Five (or Four) always ate. Or rather, sat. The Clique Five never ate. They would sip their diet sodas and gossip. I hurriedly trashed my lunch. I took the seat by Alice; I felt safer next to her.

“So, Adele, do you know any guys?” asked Barbie. She twirled her long hair and looked at me calculatingly. Thin Lips, Alice, and a girl with purple eyes (I think they were contacts) looked at me with the same expression.

I didn’t have to think about my answer. “Well, there’s Leo, and Orv,” I said, counting them off on my fingers. “And there’s Fabio—”

“Fabio?” Fake Eyes made a face of disgust. “He’s so gross! He like, never cuts his hair.”

I got a primal feeling to defend him. “He never has enough time because of all the sports he does.”

Barbie ignored me and egged on the insults “Yeah, and have you seen the way he walks? It’s like a duck with broken legs.” The other girls giggled. I wanted to chuck a Frisbee at her head.

“I know,” chimed in Thin Lips, “and he has the world’s biggest nose!”

I looked at Alice in desperation. The girl I knew couldn’t possibly say mean things about anyone. She closed her eyes and smiled. I shuddered. It looked so…cynical. “He likes me,” she started. “He’s going to ask me out on Friday.”

My eyes widened. How did she know about that? He had only told me and Leo. Alice continued after the coos from the other Clique members. “But you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to reject him in front of the entire school and throw the flowers he’s going to give me in his face.” I bit off my pinky nail. The Clique laughed.

“Nice one, Alice.” said Fake Eyes. The others tittered in agreement.

I couldn’t take this anymore. I stormed off into the hallway, my face tearstained. I took off my heels and flung them in the trash can. I curled up against the wall, wrapping my hands around my legs. A hand gripped my shoulder. I didn’t have to look to know who it was.

“I’ve still got some apple slices. Don’t worry; they haven’t been in Leo and Orv’s noses.”

I laughed, but it quickly changed into uncontrollable sobbing. He sat down beside me. I leaned against Fabio and cried until it was time for fifth period.

—–

Another 7th grade piece. It’s pretty cute, I won’t lie, thinking about myself as a twelve year-old, already struggling with identity and that nostalgic wish to go back to the way things were…

[2009] Meimei and the Emperor

Chen Yu furrowed his brows, all but entranced by his sister’s performance. But every other member of the Chinese Imperial Court latched their eyes onto her movements, unable to look away. When the sprightly young girl had declared to the Emperor her dancing was the greatest in the land, she did not exaggerate.

Matching each pluck of the zither, she turned in sweeping arcs. In each outstretched hand she fluttered a golden fan, and they moved like butterflies around a fragrant flower. The zither player sped up, pulling at the strings in immediate succession, challenging the young dancer. Yet the girl continued undaunted, moving quicker and quicker until the soft white of her shoes peeked out from underneath her dress. The spectators cooed, speaking to one another in hushed tones.

“Lady Hualin is the plum blossom floating in a spring breeze,” one official stated, in an attempt to gain some respect with an elegant phrase. He succeeded, as a few others made soft noises of agreement.

Some officials looked over at Chen Yu, and he forced himself to smile back. While Chen Yu was one of the latest scholars honored with the role of magistrate, everyone believed that his younger sister was his greatest blessing. While Hualin wore outstanding silk dresses, he kept things simple. That day he wore the stiff black robes of a magistrate, the only embroidery consisting of a rising sun over an ocean, placed square in the middle of his chest. His plainness made a stark contrast to her overwhelming allure, and people often marveled at the fact that the two were related. But he never cared about the exterior-based thoughts of these people. Chen Yu had been born into this world to protect his sister, and no other man would ever worry about her as much as he did. While everyone else was enthralled with her beauty, only he stopped to think about the consequences her recklessness wrought.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Chen Yu gazed around, his eyes shifting from his sister to the Emperor. He wished to himself that the Son of Heaven would find his sister a pretty little trinket that only merited a few moments’ glance. But the Emperor was thoroughly captivated. His whole being leaned in towards her spiraling figure; there was no way out of it now.

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – and the spell would be released, her freedom secured. She was talented enough to make just the right mistake, one that wouldn’t ruin her performance yet end the magic of her dance. But the girl was stubborn and flighty, always had been. And Chen Yu was the complacent older sibling— a quality many people chided him for. In the guidelines of the great philosopher Kong Fuzi, the sister obeyed the brother, and the younger complied with the older. This was the way things were meant to be. But Chen Yu could never muster the strength. Hualin certainly was like a flower traveling in the wind, beautiful and carefree, hindered by none. Chen Yu was naught more than the roots of the tree; he only watched as she soared higher, away from his homely position near the earth.

“Do you not understand what risk you would be in, inside the Imperial Court? You would have to fight every day for His Majesty’s attention. Lies, manipulation, attempts at your life: meimei, do not put yourself in such danger!” He recalled his words to her back home only a few weeks ago and suppressed a sigh. Each day those words ran over and over in his mind, becoming clearer and more ominous each time. If only he had been able to dissuade her from her plan. If only he had told the Emperor that his humble sister had no talents, instead of allowing her to say that she was a dancer…there were so many things that he could have done. Perhaps fate would have changed its path.

Chen Yu’s eyes met Hualin’s. The focus of her inky eyes flickered, momentarily replaced with the same look she had given him when she replied to his pleas. Watch me, brother, watch me dance into happiness.

Yet he could see no happiness in her future. The Emperor was cunning and charismatic, traits fine for dealing in politics. When Chen Yu had still been a scholar, he had hailed the Emperor as one of the Middle Kingdom’s greatest rulers, keeping peace and prosperity in the land. But as magistrate, Chen Yu had heard the rumors of harem women driven insane, screaming in the night for the Emperor’s love as they were dragged away. If Hualin managed to survive the Son of Heaven’s toying with her mind, the Empress or other concubines would get to her. Hualin was dancing not to happiness, he knew that.

The zither let out one last, twanging note and Chen Yu could not help but think of the sound of arrows as they hit their target. Hualin spun into a curtsy, her eyes downcast. The Emperor stood up from his throne and clapped his hands together, proclaiming, “I have chosen the fourth Imperial Concubine!” The whole time, his dark eyes never left her.

Even from his place in the back, Chen Yu could see the smile that graced her painted lips as she murmured her gratitude. The court thundered with the resounding applause of the officials, approving despite the suddenness of the decision. Apparently no discussion was needed.

The official who had made the poetic comment earlier noted, “Look, her brother sheds tears of joy. He is a new magistrate and already he is kin to the Son of Heaven. With fortune’s blessing, young Chen Yu shall soon be the uncle of the next Emperor. Continued prosperity to you, child!”

Chen Yu placed another smile on his face, grateful for the excuse to weep openly. The tears spilled down his face unchecked, making dark splotches on the black silk of his robe. An image came into his mind and he could not help but make it audible, even if it was hardly more than a whisper.

“Rising to the heavens, the jaws of the mighty dragon crush the dance of the plum blossom.”

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